I'm a lost soul. The desperately trying to find a foothold variety, I shall like to add. The afterthought is a recent addition!
What, you say?
Let's do a recap.
I was always a lost soul. I never bothered what the world thinks of me, because I was having fun. Sheer unadulterated pure happiness. I grew up with that. I had my books, my dreams, my little corner of the world, and I was content.
Ah, ofcourse, I had friends, I did hang out with them, I did go to school and my grades bothered me as much as they do to you. (DAMN them. I would leave them for another day, because it's a touchy topic. Them grades... )
But all these things never interfered with my happy self. Simply because I never let these things rule my life. Being socially accepted, portraying the 'nice girl' image and all the jazz.
That was the first 18-19 years of my life.
Back to now:
Now, I have somehow managed to tangle myself into all the things that makes this world a badass place to survive in. That makes it unbearable. And even if you complete a whole day without being stressed to death, it's an achievement.
Nothing in my life has changed drastically, but the small changes have a real bad combined effect. After an year/and a half of falling deeper and deeper into the pit that everyone calls as hardships of life, I feel so small.
So uneducated and so..
It's like the opposite. Everyone grows wiser and calm-er, and I am more harrowed and my life is a bigger mess than it ever was. I have lost all sense of direction, sensibility, and self respect.
I do anything and everything that anyone wants me to, and trust me when I say this, because I want to believe it myself as well, I was never like this. I was in control of who I was and what I wanted from life.
My goals, for the long run were perfectly chalked out. More like, etched in stone. I always believed that it was permanent. I wanted it to be. But then you realise that even the harmless water, when poured persistently over the stone, can wipe away it's glory. In my case, my goals.
I am more lost than ever, and this time it's not in my little corner of the world, with the familiar comforting noises and surroundings. I feel like a lost 5 year old, clutching her rag doll tightly, for it is the only remainder of her happy, carefree life and desperately looking for her mom and all the warmth and happiness that she brings with her.
I want the ladder that would take me back to where I was. I can face everything, if I have that strong faith in myself.
Only, I don't know where to start looking for it..
I need the strength to look for all the pieces that I have shredded myself into. Pick them up. Piece them together.
Most importantly, Trust and Believe myself.