Wednesday, August 1, 2012
And then there are changes which make you sit up and think.. Whoa. An year ago I was an entirely different person, and it's unfunny how the you from a year back is a stark contrast from you now. When it's in the positive direction.. it's must be exhilarating to feel the change pulse through.. But if it's something which can be just described as plummeting down the drain.. then trust me, it's not one bit nice to feel that way.
I sit back and just keep wondering (because that's the only thing left to do now) how and where and exactly why I am in this position. I was this funny, surrounded by friends social animal who was doing some good to herself by graduating from the best place possible in the country.. I was in a new, blossoming relationship with my best friend, I lived comfortably in the capital city of the country and was, like always, high on all the goodness that life had to offer. I believed everyone who said I was meant to shine in life and that positive motivation fueled my cheery nature which was infectious. (or so it was said) No, it wasn't picture perfect.. There were many things which I wanted to break away from, but then, hey! Even Bill Gates wouldn't be hundred percent satisfied with his life, the world!
Exactly an year later. I can't recognise myself. I've changed so much that even if I try to reach out to the old me, she shirks me off with a nasty look. My life has reduced from an inflated hot air balloon to a piece of rubber trying to pass off as something useful. I've become so distant from myself that I just feel at a loss of words when someone asks me, what's wrong with you? What happened? I've become this person who is scared of talking to people, takes insults from just about anyone and is so low on confidence that if someone says something mean or rude or hurts me in some manner.. I start believing it's my fault and blame myself. In my efforts to try to please everyone.. I can't remember things which used to please me. I want to run away, hide myself and apologise to the whole world for my existense. It's not pitiful, it's just shameful. Hideously shameful. I stress myself out so much that I lose tufts of hair everyday. The 'relationship' I was in..I still don't know what happened to it. I never knew I was such a bitch that anything or everything that I did was just out-rightly wrong. I just push my feelings inside and grin and act happy. Because things that actually make me happy, are not acceptable in this world anymore. My eyes sting on a regular basis from crying out of helplessness, frustration and every time I bat my eyelids, it pains.
I've been brought up to believe that it's just me who will support me throughout my life. Hence having a career of your own, being financially independent is a very important thing. Everyone around me always thought of me as the brightest kid in the family..and the one who would make it happen. Till now, I always somehow managed to have that determination and used to make things happen. Simply because I had to. I've lost that zeal somewhere in the process of shifting my life from one continent to another.. I cringe at the idea of making friends, I barely talk to anyone and my laptop is my new best friend. Everyone around me is doing so well in their lives.. I feel happy for them, real glad to see them achieve all that they hoped for.. whereas the high point in my day is eating Oreo biscuits and licking off the cream. I've gained pounds and pounds munching on comfort food and trying to make myself happy.. but it doesn't help. It just makes you fat and horrible to look at. Smiling feels like a crime and being happy is a distant dream which I am striving, begging to achieve. My skin has lost it's sheen, I've lost the will to dress up or buy things to make myself look good.. I feel like I've aged decades in a few months. I feel like a shrivelled, old mind waiting to disintegrate and die. That's the countdown in my head now. The heavy curtain of sadness is draping over every patch of happy sunlight and the sadness is just gnawing through me, rendering my senses hollow..
I want to love myself again. I want to stand up for what I feel and believe and not not pull back if someone questions my happiness. I want to be that girl again. I don't know if I am ever gonna see that person.. It's like she died long ago and I am just dragging her memory, trying to keep her alive..