Thursday, October 3, 2013

"Bhai, Tu Rende!"

Now if you read that the exact way it's supposed to be read - you're a Delhiite. Congratulations! You may now sit back and enjoy my little post.

Yes we've all read a lot about Delhi and it's quirks. I know. *Yawn* But this is straight from a Dilli ki bandi now lost in the foren country - US oye - and wanting to talk to you guys and get the apni Dilli waali feel aur baat. Kya kehte ho, bhailog? Oh, and you bitches too.

I think it's safe to say Delhi is my favourit-est city ever. I love Chicago , but woh paraya hai. Dilli toh apni hai. It's not news that I grew up in New Delhi. I was born, raised, bred, and bruised in the overpopulous capital city of the "developing country" for which Apple released the iPhone 5C, India. Ofcourse we know better, if you're a south Delhi brat you would never be so cheap and LS to buy the 5C.  If you're from Rajouri Garden/Pitampura and your "Daddyji" owns a big shop in Rajouri market and you wear everything Zara - you still wont buy the iPhone 5C. Arre usme gold cullur nahi hai and nahi touch lock hai yaar. If you're from the East Delhi belt, you still wont buy the iPhone 5C because "dude Def Col is like 20 mins from the DND". So who will really buy it? I guess the suburbans. Or NCR as we say. If you aren't smiling by now, it's pretty evident you've not been in Delhi enough, and might I suggest you take a detour and find something more suitable and not cringe-worthy? :D
That's how we roll. There's this great big divide and no GK resident worth her money will have the same swag as a Rajouri-ite. But the moment you turn against Delhi on a whole - you just kissed your own fate goodbye. Ladies can get real badass, boys. They really can.

That pretty much sums up Delhi. Bhai hum kisi se kam nahi hai. We got the swag, we're big city kids, we rock the parties - but still need to be back by 10 PM because well we're quintessentially Indians and papa kya sochenge?

Actually, more than that, Sharma aunty kya kahengi? Next kitty party and you're going to be the hot topic of discussion! These ladies have more resources and connections than NSA, CIA and all these agencies put together. There is little that they wont know about you. They'd talk to housemaids, sabzi wallahs, press wallah and even the kooda waala to know more about the couple that just moved in next door. Also, you're doomed if you're not into kirtans. You're ofcourse doing drugs and are a bigda hua ladka/ladki if you dont attent every navratre ka kirtan and mata ki chowki that your colony hosts. These women are superhumans. I am not kidding. Beware of them if you just moved into the big bad city. A tip: Don't wear deep neck blouses or you're just done forever.

Achha, lets talk about the public transport. "Yaar main metro main hoon zara Green Park aaja and pick me up haan?" Life is so stressful and isn't everyone just trying to get a 5 minute ride and feel elated for the day? The stress is from dressing up well and passing the daily New Delhi onceover done by each woman who is taking the metro for the day. It's not about what your style is. It's about how many women are getting green with envy looking at your outfit. Now THAT'S what we call as "paisa vasool" or getting your money's worth.

Aur dosti toh kya dosti hoti hai! Jab zaroorat ho toh koi na tapke and when you really don't wanna hang out there is an army of hungry bastards at your doorstep. Be it getting the latest DVD or the new season of Game of Thrones, be it a lunch part at a swanky restaurant or loaning out INR 5000 or even just trying to get you hooked up to the cute girl who is your family friend.. the moment you arent up for anything you hear the quintessential Delhi tagline - "Bhai, tu rende!" tere bas ki kuch nahi hai.

Yup. That's really what we are. We can be shallow at times caught in the circus of a big city - but seriously, we love a good chat and if you buy us samosas we are your new best friends. We love to give out our opinions and directions to the best golgappe waala in the gali. So howevermuch I've scared you, dont ever think twice before stopping us and saying Hi because "Yeh Dilli hai yaar.. aur yahan hum sab kitne bhi kameene ho, par andar se dil ke saaf hai" :D

If you really want to know the meaning of something in italics in the article, feel free to shoot me an email and I'd be happy to translate it for you. :)


Jaideep said...

Hahaha! As a born and bred in Delhi person, I can easily identify with what you have written! :)
That is so awesome! The title and the wonderful photo as well....
Yaar, tune kulfi, chole kulche, chole bhature, chat paapdi toh likha hi nahiiiii!! :D

Apurva said...

Yaar khaane ke liye alag post banta hai! :D

Nikhil said...

Hahaha......very well written Apurva!
True that ..only the one's who have been there can LOL reading the above. Loved every bit of it.
To say the least "Aise aur post likhiyo..would love reading'em as well!" :D :)

Apurva said...

Thanks Nikhil :)

I know right? If you arent a Delhiite this will be so outrageous - almost snobbish and rude.

I sure will keep writing :D

Thanks for stopping by!