Together

Your touch is etched on my skin

The soft caress of your lips on mine

I can almost hear your maniacal laughter 

And catch that twinkle in your eyes

That playful banter makes me break into a wide grin

And Your eye rolls.. They make my heart flip

Grabbing and pulling each other onto the undone bed

The sheets sliding between our amorous adventurous

The screaming the squealing the infectious craziness

The urgency the lust and oh the passion

The slow intertwining of our fingers

The staggered breath the need for comfort

The hugging the coy cozying and sometimes those tears

The sweet nothings and the meeting of our eyes

The holding hands and rhythmically slipping off into fairytale world

The love, oh the beauty of the understated love

The memories that we created together

However ordinary are my extraordinary

The next time you ask me

'What did we make for each other' 

I'd say we've built a lifetime together

His Shirt

I stole his shirt

It was pristine white

With a few flecks of blue

It wasn’t a pattern

Holding it close

You could see

The inkstains

Fading from age

I held it close

Took it to bed

Contemplated wearing it

Or just snuggling

Right into it

The memory of his smile

Froze my thought process

I ended up

With it dangerously

Wrapped around my head

His smell lingered

I could hear his laughter

In the folds of the collar

Feel his heartbeat

In the nooks of that pocket

The world knew him as the confident man

As his neatly starched cuffs exhibited

But his nervousness lay bare

In the undone buttons

His hidden insecurities

Seeped through the fraying hem

And his mismatched last button

was another story in itself

The shirt looked like any other

Just like he could blend right in the crowd

I knew

Only my heart knew

I could hear his soul speak to mine

And pick his shirt from a thousand

Of the same kind

The inkstains

Fading from age

Were a testimony of his hard work

And no care for style

It wasn’t fancy

Or a big brand

It was special

It was divine

It was his

And he was mine

Believe in Me.

Stronger

Stand taller

Shoulders back 

Spine straighter

Stand proud

Prouder than ever

Now is the time

Carry your head

On your shoulders

See the world

Greet it

With twinkling eyes

A confident smile

A firm handshake 

Move on

Trash every sadness
Treasure the happiness

Kiss goodbye

To the fears

That house you
Embrace

the humanity and sunshine

Live in this moment

Life does give chances

It doesnt wait

But you can redeem your worth

You are priceless

Your value is magnificent

You can do magic

Just believe in yourself.

2014 is here!

A blank sheet of paper scares me, intimidates me. I always feel the pressure to fill it, to run my pen around and make a meaningful prose or poetry.

Or maybe, just a doodle. 

I have taken an oath to write more this year. To not run away from the blank sheet of paper.

 Happy 2014 everybody!

This year is going to be awesome. I want it to be that is why. :) This also marks the fifth anniversary of this humble blog. That is exciting. :D 

Adieu 2013

Another year of my life is ending and it's a little scary to be entering that phase of my life where when I tell a teenager how old I am they will totally pretend like I am of another generation. Well, that is that. As I have established long ago, I hate, absolutely hate New Years. The constant pressure to be happy - I just don't get it. Maybe my life is horribly sad and I always end up feeling.. "Man, another twelve months wasted without doing one good thing." or everyone else is too easy on themselves. (Which, in my opinion, is great.) It's just not me. I want to have a few basic things in my life cut out and boy every time it's December 31st, I feel horrible for not even being remotely close to it.

This year I am going to try something new. I am going to focus on the few positive aspects and try to make them to work for me. I am going to hope really hard I make it to a school I want to go to, I want to have scholarships so that I dont end up paying a crazy loan. I want my best friend to be here with me. I want my family to be happy. I want my mom to complete her masters and get a job that she deserves. I want my dad to find a great job so that he allows himself to buy something unbelievably expensive. I want my sister to achieve like crazy. To achieve all there is to and to do whatever she wants to. I want to be confident in myself. I am thankful for all that I have. I have people who love me, who care about me so much that they'd go out of their way to make me happy. I want them to be happy.

I am not going to be the beacon of happiness, maybe not. I worry too much to be that. I do promise, however, that I am going to try, try so hard to achieve all that I am supposed to, according to me. I will not feel insecure and I will not compare my career path to someone else's.  I will not worry that I am 23 already and have nothing figured out. I wont do that. I am going to be happy because I do have all the reasons to be happy.

I am going to be happy that I can bake and cook. I can read. I atleast have an admit from one place. I have a job. I can buy things if I want to, feed myself. I am educated. I have an enthusiasm to learn. I have a wonderful sense of humour. Yes. Happiness is not going to come hard to me in 2014, hopefully.

I spent 2013 being insecure and fidgety, not making any friends and just doubting myself. It led me nowhere. I need to believe in myself because I can be awesome. I will be so. :)

Bring it on, 2013. I'm ready for it to be 2014.

PS: Just dont text me at 31st at 12 AM. I love my sleep. Amen.

The One

 

I need to meet eyes with you

in a crowd

I am lost without you

without your grace

I need to hold hands 

I fear losing the feel

of your touch

I need to take care of you

you polish my compassion

I want to brighten your world

I want to paint it red

and blue

for your happiness

I could steal the stars

But they dont shine 

as the sun does

My sun, being you

I want to be your anchor

I want to be your cane

I want to be your breath

Invisible, but right there

I could say be with me

It doesnt justify my feelings

I could say marry me

oh please

spend your life with me

but

I don't want to be the one

I'm content just being your someone

for a moment, a minute 

or an hour

I'll take your hand each time

like it was my last

Bangkok!

For the hundredth time in the day, I IM'ed my boyfriend and told him about these particular string of lights I want. He was all set to go to Bangkok and I knew such amazing things are sold in Thailand. He was extremely caught up in his preparation of the work trip and I was left alone to sulk and dream about those pretty lights. Never being the one to sit back and just keep waiting for things to happen, I switched on my laptop and opened Google. I searched for those beautiful lights, and how right I was! They are only sold in that country! Kick staring my wild imagination, I started looking about Bangkok and what that amazing city is all about. I had heard so much from all my friends who had had the opportunity to visit, but I'd never really thought about it until yesterday and now I just cannot stop planning my dream visit to Bangkok!

Update:
He is already in Bangkok and giving me a virtual tour of that beautiful, enchanting city! Man! I’m sooo jealous.

So, you must be wondering what did I find so awesome that I cannot stop talking about it? For starters, I am a sucker for cute accessories. Anything that is chic and quirky is on my wishlist! OMG Bangkok is THE place to be if you are looking to shop apparently. Cheap, cutsie stuff! Whattay steal! Shoes, slippers, dresses, bags, sunglasses, accessories, string lights..you name it and they got it! They also have so many tailors which, if everyone is to be believed, are cheap and sew like magic. I’m not all that materialistic..but a girl needs to have what she needs to have.

The lovely Loy Nava boat ride is what is the most exciting. I am not out and out romantic, but some conventional classic things are bound to sway even the most tomboyish of us. Since it was my boyfriend who told me about it, it was even more special because we kept talking about how much fun it would be with both of us there. I love canals and I had no idea there are more cities connected by them except for Venice! I remember watching an episode of “The Amazing Race” and seeing the wonderful floating markets! I mean..spending a whole evening with each other over looking some beautiful scenes and munching on fabulous food, what more can one want?

I am not the most religious person, but I love exploring different places of worships. I found Bangkok to be home to thousands of lovely “wats” or temples. I like to see different architecture and how different cultures worship and find peace. It’s amazing how we look for the same thing in such different manners. You know what is the best part? I actually realised that Indians and Thai people are so similar! Our culture is very family oriented, we are very serious about hosting our guests and are workaholics. I am blessed to be an Indian and would really like to see how the threads of our culture are woven in a foreign country.
My favourite flowers are the orchids.. they are native to Bangkok! Imagine finding an orchid garden! My dad used to buy me those every birthday, and somehow in growing up the ritual dwindled. I would love to be my 15 year old self getting lost amidst such beauty.

 Trips without a ride to a water park are a waste for me. I looked up the Siam Park City and oh boy WHAT AN AMAZING PLACE!! Slides and all that jazz.. makes my inner child excited!

Who doesnt like food? I am a big street food lover and I know Bangkok has so much to offer for foodies like me. Perfectly done flat noodles with soft boiled eggs, mamma mia, my mouth is watering just thinking about it! I love quaint hole in the wall locations, because I feel like those are the places which actually maintain the authenticity of the food they offer. Oh, and also, they are dirt cheap!

I kept going on and on about my dream vacation with my boyfriend too. He interrupted my thoughts asking me a necessary but saddening question.

Boyfriend: Hey..stop! Are you going to just dream or look up tickets to reach Bangkok?
Me: Uh. You know how much I hate looking at the ridiculously expensive tickets! They just make me want to sit at home and sulk and not ever think of flying out.
B: But, you want to travel.. why don’t you search?
Me: I wont find anything.

So finally with a big sulk I started searching. I came up with the usual expensive flights and was nothing more than disheartened. I mean, why just guzzle everyone? You fly so much, I’m sure you make enough money to cover costs and gain an decent profit. After looking some more I actually stumbled upon AirAsia. I felt like I found a goldmine. Affordable air travel!!! World's best online travel fair! The best part is that I want to visit sooo many destinations in Asia that my heart is swell with joy at this lovely discovery. I poured two hours on the website trying to see if there is some catch.. no sir! None at all.

I called up my boyfriend that very moment and we both logged onto the website. We did a mini hi5 and danced on Facetime at our good fortune.  Can you imagine what this means? That my dream can actually be true! We ticked so many locations on our bucket list, all thanks to AirAsia.

Looks like my dream to visit Gaggan, the Indian molecular food restaurant isn’t that far off! It features on the top 50 Asian restaurants, btw. Talk about diversity in just one city.

Now to day dream about that visit to Kuala Lumpur..  ;)

One Last Time

"Last time. One last time."

He was her best friend. Stereotypically a best friend is someone you have spent your childhood with. Someone you have shared crayons, countdowns to the release of every Harry Potter book, tears when Sirius died, stolen a basket for that stray kitty and made your first omelette with. She had all these memories intact.. but they weren't with him. He was new. New to her roller coaster life. New to her wild ways, new to her over enthusiastic excitement over a little stray puppy and a blank expression for her first salary. New to her emotional outbursts and the ferocity that accompanied her love.. She was outgoing, crazy, but in a constant struggle to shut her despair. She was someone else.. till he breathed reality into her.

He was not like the usual males of his age. He was shy. Reserved. A complete introvert. Never the one to make plans, or go out, simply because he never thought someone would want to spend all their time with him. He couldn't remember routes, or name his favourites without thinking hard. He didn't know how to hug..simply because he had never hugged anyone. He was scared to emote. He was in a constant disagreement with her that he was the most amazing person on this planet. He grew up struggling to present the tough guy demeanor and succeeded.. till she took the reins for him.

They became friends due to the need. The need to lean on someone who is completely unknown to your life and non judgmental. The need to have a breather from the monotonous life. They were each other's confidante, secret guilty pleasures. Someone who knew the bare, ugly soul of yours and accepted it without any questions. It was not a fairy tale. It was the need for an anchor combined with the moroseness that led them to take shelter in each other. She didn't trust anyone and he wasn't scared to probe into her shell. He was curious about her, she was mad at herself for letting someone in her real life. He saw her differently. He saw right through every painstakingly built wall of hers. She let him. She introduced him to herself. The real self. Texts, calls, tears, alcohol and mostly, loneliness nurtured the impulse to share everything with each other. They encouraged each other. Made each other feel on top of the world when the whole world was spitting on them. He always had his handkerchief ready to wipe her tears and she never hesitated to take his hand when life wasn't being fair. She stood up for him.. He started opening up to her. It was still the need driving them.. but now the little sprouts of her fierce protection and his calming loyalty had started cropping up. The need to catch each other's eye in a crowded room was being fuelled by something else other than friendship..

She loved him. She loved him for all that he was. She loved him for the beautiful friendship he had tended for her. He loved her too. He loved her simply because she was the first one not to walk right past him. She knew he loved her, he knew he could whisk her away. But, it wasn't a fairytale. It wasn't easy. They were too important for each other. They couldn't let this muddle of emotions strangle their friendship.  It was a glass house they had built together. The envy of others, beautiful..but fragile. One wrong move and it would all fall apart beyond repair. They let it be.. Tried to. They tried and never made it till the end of their resolution. They tried every trick in the book, stayed apart, tried to stop talking.. tried making new friends.. all the while thinking of each other. they gave in. One emotional conversation and a day spent in each others company later, they started seeing other.

It was not the way the expected it to be. The love grew.. It grew in leaps and bounds and a little more than it should have. Their friendship dwindled due to the lack of compatibility as a romantic partner. She was devoted.. He needed his space. All their togetherness faded into nothingness. Their similarities came biting back. The opposites attract statement started making a lot of sense suddenly. Their egos, their hot headed behaviour.. combined with the affection they still had.. Left them in a strange land. They couldn't exist without each other, but being with each other seemed impossible. She started thinking he didn't love her anymore, he thought she didn't want him the way she did before. They struggled, broke apart, ran back into each other's arms because they realised it was the most stupid, senseless thing they ever did for each other.

Things weren't smooth. They never were. Neither through their friendship, nor through their romantic plunge. He dumped her again, she didn't beg him this time. They were fighting with themselves, and why not? They had a long history together. They still talked.. but it wasn't the same anymore. They barely called each other and the texts were formal and forced. He thought of her laughter. She dreamt about his shy smile. They kept it to themselves. She was about to go away, continents away and they both thought it was all over. It was a dream and they were now being woken up to a giant hole in their lives. They were left to figure out which parts of it were real and which were imaginary. There was nothing they agreed on.. except the belief that it was all going to be over.

It was her last day with him. Being in his physical presence. Being with him in flesh and bones. Her bags were packed, her tickets printed. She was all ready. She even had her shoes on. He had started working. She didn't think he'll make it.. or would want to make it. He came. He came to say goodbye. They joked. Laughed. Took pictures. Avoided each others eyes. they smiled through each others painstaking efforts to not say all that they were holding back. Until that one moment that their eyes met. They were in the standing in the middle of a busy road and it was a Saturday evening. Families were strolling and cars were zooming past them. She held his gaze, and he didn't blink once. The hustle bustle of her favourite city and the city that brought them together was the soul witness of the exchange of a thousand unspoken words between them.

"Last time. One last time." She thought. She reached out. He enveloped her. They embraced for one last time, binding their togetherness, sealing it with their tears. He held her close. She let him. She let her heart follow his uncharted path. He murmured promises of togetherness, she barely heard him. Between her sobs and wiping his tears, she decided to fight for him. They'd never had it easy, and this was no exception..
 He held onto her..and for the one last time she let herself melt into him.



This post has been entered in the Platinum Day of Love contest at Indiblogger.

Liebster Award!

Sounds awesome, innit? After some reading, I found that this blog is a award for a sweet newbie blogger. Ain't I glad to receive it? :D

Nikhil from Aficionado presented it to me. Thank you! So, as it goes, you are supposed to answer some questions and create ten more and pass it along to ten bloggers you know. Oh well, I am not sure if I know that many bloggers, but I sure will answer the questions I was tagged for.

Here you go:

1.  If you get an option to change your name ,what would be your new name?

I'd name myself Ananya. I like the sound of the name, it means the same as my name! I like it so much that I named one of my cousin Ananya!  

2. Why do you blog & what keeps you going? (actual reason)

I blog because I have this urge to throw up my thoughts onto something concrete. I love to write, I am not a writer or by any means a proficient professional someone, hence I blog. To be honest, I am a lousy blogger. I am not regular, I have phases where I blog twice a day and go on a hiatus for the next two years.. So really, it doesn’t keep me going. But I always come back for more!

3. Of all the places you have visited so far, Your favorite place & why?

I love the city of Chicago, simply because it combines my love for a crazy big city with the peace and quiet of a small town. It has all the awesome restaurants, quirky stores a big place is home to, but you can always find something small and laid back around every block. Chicago is home to a huge lake with a beach as well..what more can you ask for?

4. Anything that you would change about yourself?Five rare random facts about yourself that most people don't know?

That’s like a lot of questions disguised as one! I’d like to be more optimistic and self confident!

·         I collect stamps like a crazed maniac.

·         I love to sing. I really wish I could.

·         I look extremely extrovertish..but I am shy.

·         Love > Career for me. I think. Lol.

·         I normally maintain that I don’t have regrets: I wish I could go back and not screw up my college grades in one teeny bit.

5. Your favorite TV show/movie/book? Answer one or two or all.:)

My favourite book is Harry Potter for sure.

TV show is hard – Friends, Big Bang Theory, Dexter, Castle, Sherlock, Pretty Little Liars, Game of Thrones, Khichdi, Powerpuff Girls, Hum Paanch are the few!

I am not much of a movie person.. but I do love the Star Wars series.

6. One particular thing that you miss from your childhood days?

Playing outside in the sun for endless hours.

7. If you had one wish, what would it be?

To be able to apparate between India and USA.

8. An awesome moment that you can never forget?

To win the Harry Potter quiz, first prize, amongst 48 teams. Do or die.

9. Now a cliché one: If you had one superpower ,what would it be?

Haha, I guess I already answered that. But one can always have more! To be invisible.

What's My Reason To Pray?

Praying is one of those words that invokes a series of thoughts, memories, images -  almost like a film reel, for me. I was born a Hindu family, where my grandparents did everyday aartis twice a day and my dad followed suit, my mom wasnt that stern but she kept all the fasts and did all the ceremonious pujas. Diwali, Ganesh Chaturthi were all a big deal in my house. Yummy treats and hours of chanting shlokas and hymns in the name of the lord. My grandmother made sure that all of us girls knew the regular shlokas and could recite them at the drop of a hat. I must say she did a pretty good job at that, even after so many years, I remember all of them and can recite them in one breath!

School. I went to a Christian school and can put even the devout Christians to shame in singing Christmas carols and such. I had a Muslim best friend in school, and I learnt a lot about the religion, thanks to her gracious mother and her attachment to Islam.

Fast forward a few years and my family found peace in Soka Gakkai – a sect of Buddhism, practicing the philosophies of Nichiren Daishonin. My family is still Hindu but they follow this philosophy as close to their heart as they can. They are bi-belief, if you will.

Me? Oh yes, I am supposed to write about myself. With my life dotted with so many religions, such lovely spiritual intervention, I’m supposed to be the quintessential believer of everything God. Unfortunately, I am not. I don’t like to say I am an atheist, because honestly, I am not that smart to support the statement and I do look for solace when everything else fails me. I like to call myself a Believer. Agnostic, not really. I don’t really worry about the existence of God. I just believe in certain things, people, phenomenon which drive my world and gives me hope in the time of despair.

So, what really do I pray for? I am not your regular devotee, so I don’t really sit crosslegged in the temple and beg for the highest marks in English and the passing grade in Maths. I go out, I wish for the tree across the street to always be green, blooming and provide shade to everyone. It’s my way of praying, or believing. I believe in the squirrel jumping from one branch to another that she wont ever hurt herself. I will for my mom to get into the prestigious school she applied to. I pass on my belief to my grandmother who is aging, and losing hope. I chat up my grandfather, who is one of the brightest stars in the sky, asking him what was the hurry to leave us all behind. I hope the cute guy from across the table is catching my eye and would walk up to me and give me his number. My heart cries for everyone who is killed, raped, tortured and I wish for the sun to shine bright on their lives. I believe in the unchartered path that mother nature wants me to take. I will for everything to be serene and calm and undisturbed. I work hard for my peace of mind, and harder for food on my table. I am grateful for all the luxuries I have in life, and count my blessings for being so loved.

I think about you, I think about me. I hope for the best for everyone I know and occasionally deduct blessings when I am extremely irate. I don’t sit in front of idols and chant shlokas anymore, mainly because my grandmother lives far away and can’t see what I do and also because my ceremony, my prayer, my ritual and my causes seem more realistic and answerable to me. I find it so much more relaxing than sitting in a puja for three hours dressed in your finest and thinking about the time when you could just run off.

But that’s me. I respect all religions, not to say so because I love being cliché but more because I have been in close contact with a lot of them and I see the goodness behind them all.  I will never insult your ceremony, if you invite me to your puja, I will sit there and listen with utmost attention and do everything needed. I will still dress up every Diwali and do the usual puja, but that's not my idea of praying. I am not the kind to do communal praying. I respect you if you find solace in the age old ceremonies and rituals, but I am more of a free bird. Having said that, I have always been very attached with agarbatties. Call it nostalgia striking back or just the heavenly aroma, I always have some lighted at my house. It just converts a house into a home instantly. I don't use it to signify anything related to a ritual or a ceremony, because, honestly, I make my own rituals and pray in my own special way, for perhaps the same things in life! But aggarbatties invoke a lot of memories, from diwali (lighting one aggarbatti to last through your entire stock of ladis) to housewarming ceremonies, to watching it light up and turn a brilliant shade of orange and playing with the embers, to fancy variety lavender and all that jazz. Cycle has like been the only brand which everyone in my house preferred and we always had a overstock of them! This festive season, I think, I'm just going to buy some of the simple Lakshmi Pooja Packs for my room and my home to remember my childhood and get all those beautiful memories rushing back.

This post is in association with Pure Prayer - Cycle Agarbathies.