Monday, December 10, 2012

Finally it's December

Perhaps for the first time in my life I actually saw the last month of the year approaching. Every year it used to be the same whirr of events.
Birthday - Holi - Exams - Holidays - New Academic Year - Trying to figure out what the hell did I put myself into - Diwali - More birthdays in the family - Lo and behold! December has already arrived.
I used to wonder all the time, WHAT? HOW? December already?

This year life has been different. Very very different. I don't think I have done anything commendable since March. Anything worthwhile.. or for that matter, anything. I moved to another continent and wallowing in self pity and frustration was my only agenda. Things have always happened as I expected them to, albeit in my favour or not. I knew when something would go drastically wrong or when a rainbow was around the corner. Not this year. It's like the scare of the world ending as predicted has metaphorically ended my intuition and upper hand over life's events. I used to be the one carving the path for life to follow..and now life is getting it's due revenge. The moment I feel I have found the babbling brook that will satiate my worries.. life decides that the brook needs to convert into the Niagara falls. Beautiful to only who watches from afar. Not to someone trying to be afloat in the giant, never ending pool of water.

I am almost 22. To some it will be a cause of jealousy.. That I am young and have so much time ahead of me to achieve what I fancy. To 10 year olds I will be the "older" woman. For my parents.. I will always remain their little firstborn. Me? For me.. I am just bewildered. I haven't achieved what I wanted to by the time I was 22. I am hurt, angry and need some answers from life.

Hello Life,
This isn't what we had bargained for! You said suffer, kick and fight but most of the times silently suffer till the first two decades of my life. You gave me material comforts and took away my emotional cushion. I accepted it..because we had a deal. Why are you cheating on me now? Why are you retreating? Why do you show me new lows every single day? Why have you made me a prisoner of my commitments and love? I accepted my duties, my responsibilities in return for mental peace.. Why are you being so unfair? Oh, you wouldn't answer. You're a coward yourself. Keep darting around whenever I seek you. But I must warn you, you wont get that far.

I'm on a spiraling deterioration. It's like the downward fall doesn't want to end. There isn't an ounce of optimism that I have left in me. Hell yes, it's shameful. But it's the stinking truth. I'm reducing into the coward whom I always spit on. Maybe it's life's way of taming my arrogance. My ignorance of the fact that life can be in charge..and how. People with no morale, no humanity and mostly, no brains have everything they ever hoped for. I almost feel angry at everyone who made me feel I was smart, intelligent, mature, and born to be someone successful. Something different. Because after 21 years of my life.. I realise what a scam it all was. The worst prank to be pulled on anyone. Mine lasted for 21 DAMN years. A big applause to whoever participated.. I was actually fooled.

I feel I have lived my entire life again in this past year. All my bad karma found me and bit me in every way possible. A part of me is excited to embrace December.. a part of me dreads being the witness and the victim of another year of torture. Another year of suffering in silence. The moment you think it's over.. That's the moment it starts all over again, with a new low to achieve. And, mind you.. life gets very competitive. If it wants to win, it will.  You can only sit back and let it trample you. Or be bruised trying to put up a fight.


Jaideep said...

Hey! Very nicely written! I mean, the language and the flow...
Secondly, acc to me, there is a long long life ahead of us... And, yes, we never do achieve what we set out to achieve! But, thats only because of decisions made for you, by someone else and the circumstances arising out of that decision... I think now, you can reframe your expectations from life in sync with the coming years and not with the past expectations/results....
I hope you get through this ugly phase of life and be successful later on! Have confidence in yourself! :)

Apurva said...


You are crazy. haha.
I guess so. I try being optimistic.. but sometimes everything fails you!

Thank you :)